How to feel enough and live a value driven life

For the past two years, I’ve been grappling with this idea of “enoughness.” Why am I always searching for the next thing, the next achievement, the next form of validation? By all accounts, I’ve a wonderful life (Alhamdulillah, all praise to Allah). My husband and I have created a cozy little haven we call home, where we live with our two beautiful boys. We both have stable jobs and are blessed with loving, supportive families. We’re even able to take short vacations every now and then.

I know it’s the kind of life many would dream of. And don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware of this privilege and eternally grateful for everything I have.

The issue is, despite being aware of all these blessings, I still feel inadequate at times. There’s this persistent need to hear others confirm how wonderful my life is. I want people to see that I’m thriving, and to acknowledge that I’m doing a great job. When I do something kind, I catch myself longing for recognition, hoping for someone to notice and praise me. It seems I rely on external validation more often than not to feel worthy, to feel enough, and to feel like a success.

This is exhausting! My soul feels weary under the weight of this approval-seeking attitude. Why do I need others to see me as a good human to feel like I’m one? Why I’m not enough in my own eyes?

To my surprise, a simple Google search revealed that I’m not alone in this struggle. There are so many others battling the same feelings of inadequacy, grappling with the shame of not feeling enough, despite having no justifiable reason for it.

“Do you not see that Allah has subjected to you whatever is in the earth as well as the ships that sail through the sea by His command? He keeps the sky from falling down on the earth except by His permission. Surely Allah is Ever Gracious and Most Merciful to humanity. And He is the One Who gave you life, then will cause you to die, and then will bring you back to life. But surely humankind is ever ungrateful ” — Al-Hajj 65-66

In my research, I identified the following as key factors that often contribute to feelings of inadequacy:

• Unhealthy comparison
• Habit of self-criticism
• Early life experiences
• People-pleasing tendencies
• Prioritising productivity and achievement over well-being
• Unhealthy rumination
• Unrealistic emotional expectations
• Not living a value driven life
• Emotional dependence on others

We are more or less aware of these aspects and their consequences, yet it’s easy to fall victim to them. So what can we do? I found three strategies in my research that we can start implementing today.

Ditch the ‘act all, be all’ mentality

We stretch ourselves too thin. Take me as an example: I’ve many roles to play, and (of course!) I’ve to be the best in every one of them. At all times, I need to be the best mum, the darling wife, the caring daughter, the loving relative, and at the same time, the productive, funny, efficient team player at work—someone who, with her magic wand, makes every project a success. In other words, I’ve to be a superwoman.

The question that comes to mind is – who has set the standard for success? The usual getaway answer- the ‘society’. We love to blame the cruel society, with its cold eyes and the subtle smirk on its face, making our lives harder than they need to be.

But what is society? Society is me, you, your best friend, and even you worst enemy. Society is made up of every one of us. So, if our lives are harder than they need to be, isn’t it us who are making them that way? Aren’t we the ones choosing to juggle many roles at once? Aren’t we the ones putting this unrealistic pressure on ourselves?

I think there are three forces that compel us to bear the weight of such unnecessary burdens:

• “I’m supposed to” — expectations
• “I need to” — survival instincts
• “I want to” — ego-driven desires.

But what about- “My body, mind and soul truly demand to….”?

Is it because we rarely pause to ask ourselves what we genuinely need for our wellbeing that we often end up feeling like we haven’t done enough, or that we are not enough?

Task:

• Ask yourself every morning what your soul, mind and body truly long for today. Do at least one thing for your soul, one thing for your mind and one thing your body.

Imprison the ‘killer of joy’

Theodore Roosevelt: “Comparison is the thief of joy”

I bought a house, and I’m over the moon. But as soon as my sister-in-law buys a house, an invisible force drags me down. I’m doing great at my job, yet when my brother gets a promotion in a completely different field, I suddenly feel like a loser. My friend received her PhD, and instead of being happy for her, I feel awful and question what I’ve accomplished in my life – just a few examples of the comparison traps that can belittle us.

How do we stop ourselves from comparing to others? The emotional upheaval from competition is a daily phenomenon that we consciously, and mostly subconsciously, subject ourselves to. It can make us feel like either a loser or a winner. Most of the time, there is no middle ground on the emotional yardstick of comparison. Funny enough, when we are the privileged ones, comparison is not a problem; in fact, it gives us a hit of dopamine. But when the situation is reversed, it can kill us from the inside.

A simple google search will lead to a million articles about how to beat the comparison trap and advices are more or less the same- know your triggers and try to avoid them if possible, write down everyday what you are grateful for, use comparison as a motivator to make you better, remember other people’s “outsides” can’t be compared to your “insides.” and minimise social media use. All sounds good but where do we start?

Tasks:

• Practice gratitude- Don’t just write down three things you are grateful for today and close your diary to join the life hustle. Live a life where you appreciate the small things and verbally say it and physically feel it -the first sip of coffee, the crunchy toast, the calm after the morning rush, the weekend morning. Nothing is going to last forever. Soak in the enjoyment as much and as often as you can.
  “And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.” ―Kurt Vonnegut Jr.,A Man Without a Country

“If you tried to count Allah’s blessings, you would never be able to number them. Surely Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”

— An-Nahl 18

• Identify how much time you want to spend on social media every day and when you go on social media, set a timer. Here’s the most likely scenario: for the first few days, you’ll stop the timer and go back to the screen because you’re in the middle of watching the funniest reel and just want to finish it. But alas! The next reel is even funnier. Before you know it, you’ll get trapped in endless scrolling. After a few days, you’ll get tired of the timer and might consider shutting it off for good. This is when I urge you to ask yourself: ‘Do I really want to be this person? Can I afford to be this person?

Know ‘thy values’

One thing that came up again and again in my research on how to feel adequate is knowing ‘your values’ and living a value driven life. Once we live an intentional life, we have a purpose, we have a reason for doing what we do, other than recognition seeking.

What type of person I want to be? How am I going to handle the punches that life throws at me, am I going to handle them with grace and kindness or with vulgarity and harshness. Am I going to follow my curiosity today or just ignore them and say not today, I’m too busy. Am I going to be courageous enough to show up when everything goes wrong and the burden is too heavy to bear, or am I going to put my hands up and say I’m done?

Every day, we have countless opportunities to live a life driven by values. We will fail at some, conquer others, and remain uncertain about a few. Every day, we have the opportunity to learn and grow, to show kindness to ourselves, and restart whenever we need to—without waiting for the next day, week, or month. We don’t need to wait for Monday or January to restart our lives and change our journey. We can begin right this moment. We can hit the reset button as many times as we want, as long as we have beats in our hearts and air in our lungs.

Tasks:

• Come up with maximum 5 value words and put them into sentences that describes the type of person you want to be. For example: my words are: Courage, Curiosity, Showing up, Kindness, God
  • I will show up with kindness
  • I will have God at the centre of everything that I do
  • I will follow my curiosity with courage

• Every time you make a mistake or stumble (which you will inevitably do, none of us is perfect!) hit the stop button. Pause and say I’m restarting from right now, right this moment. It will take practice. You will forget to do this more often than not initially, but don’t give up. You are not supposed to be perfect, you are supposed to give it a go and fail, and yet rise again to try once more.

“Surely Allah loves those who always turn to Him in repentance“

— Al-Baqarah 222

A Note to myself :

I’m a work-in-progress. Just because sometimes I feel like I’m not enough doesn’t mean it’s true. I’m not going to beat myself up when I falter and not blame and shame myself when I feel inadequate. Rather, I’ll speak to myself as a kind friend. I’ll bring out my most affectionate voice and tell myself ‘O my beautiful soul, you are vulnerable, you are tender hearted but you are also strong and brave. You are not the best in the world, but you are not the worst. You are somewhere in the middle. And as long as you are somewhere in the middle grappling to figure out your journey along the straight path, you are enough, you should be enough. The Ar-Rahman (The Most Merciful) will make sure you are enough.’